Tag: humor

Top 20 Corporate Buzzwords I Promise To Never Use

Corporate Buzzwords

One of the biggest perks to being a graphic designer has always been the cool creative culture at advertising agencies. Unlike other professions, we enjoy invaluable perks like being able to wear flip flops every day and having afternoon bouncy ball tournaments. But over the past few years, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend: many agencies are losing their “coolness” and falling victim to cliches normally reserved for the corporate world. Their biggest offense? The overuse of corporate buzzwords.

Last time I checked, the entire point of advertising (or effective communications, in general) was to make your message as clear and concise as possible. This means using good ol’ plain English for the common folk, not words better suited for a doctoral theseus. Seriously, people… you may think your expansive vocab makes you sound smart, but it really just makes you sound like a pompous elitist. (Did you like those big words I used there?)

Now that I’m an official “solopreneur,”  here is my list of the top 20 most annoying corporate buzzwords (ahem:: bullshit phrases) that I promise NEVER to use. And if by some freak of nature I accidentally slip up, you have permission to slap me.

  1. Moment (“This is a great opportunity to embrace the moment.”)
  2. Ping (“Mike is ready in the conference room; he said to ping him whenever you’re ready.”)
  3. Bandwidth (“I know you’re busy, so I want to make sure I don’t overload your bandwidth with these new projects.”)
  4. Touchpoint (“You have a great opportunity to reach your audience at this touchpoint.”
  5. Augment (“This additional creative will effectively augment your existing strategy.”)
  6. Talk Offline (“That’s a great point you brought up, but our meeting is almost over; let’s talk about it offline this afternoon.”)
  7. Engage (“Sending out an e-newsletter will be a great way to engage with past customers.”)
  8. Insights (“These new findings will provide some great insights into your business.”)
  9. Methodology (“You’ll see in our report that the methodology behind the proposed strategy is sound.”)
  10. Initiatives (“Your new branding initiatives will most certainly provide a solid return on investment.”)
  11. Onus (“The onus is on the client to provide the background information needed for this project.”)
  12. Value proposition (“The key to distinguishing your business is to identify your unique value proposition in the marketplace.”)
  13. Resonate (“This ad is perfect… it will really resonate with your customers.”)
  14. Hard stop (“I have a phone call at 4 p.m., so we’ll have to have a hard stop on this meeting at 3:45 p.m.)
  15. High level (“Right now we’re dealing with high level concepts; we’ll get into specifics at a later date.)
  16. Facilitate (“Since my boss is gone, I will facilitate today’s presentation.)
  17. Ideate (“We’re going to have a meeting to ideate new creative concepts.”)
  18. Leverage (“We can leverage your current assets as a springboard to move forward.”)
  19. Synergy (“The synergy between your regular and seasonal campaigns will result in increased sales.”)
  20. Streamline (“Combining the processes will really streamline your operations.”)

So that’s my list, but I know there are MANY other good phrases out there worthy of shame. Leave your favorite (or least favorite, I guess) corporate buzzwords in the comments section so we can all have a good laugh!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jen Lombardi is the head honcho and creative genius at Kiwi Creative, a suburban Cleveland marketing and branding studio helping small- and medium-sized companies grow their business through innovative and effective communications. With experience in graphic design, web programming, content development, social media and online strategy, Kiwi Creative offers all the expertise of a full-service agency with an affordable price tag.
Follow us on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/kiwicreativeoh) or Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/kiwicreativeoh)

 

Choosing a Designer Is A Lot Like Buying A Car

Choosing a good designer is a lot like picking out your next car; there are lots of options (style, cost, speed, etc.) and you should weigh all of them carefully to find the best option for you.

If price is your #1 concern, you can be frugal and opt for a low-end model. A quick Google or Craigslist search will reveal plenty of students, small-time freelancers and even crowdsourcing websites who are willing to do projects for next to nothing. But, be careful…you might find that you get what you pay for. Just like a used car dealership, some designers are heavy on salesmanship but never end up delivering on a quality product. In the long run, you might get stuck with a huge repair bill for a clunker of a car.

If money is no object and you want to make a big splash, a luxury model is your best bet. There are plenty of Mercedes- and BMW-style agencies around… you know the types: large, shiny offices downtown with a roster of big-name clients in the lobby. Sure, they have a lot of experience, but you’re also paying a lot for the brand name.

I like to tell my clients that I am the Volkswagen of designers. Slightly quirky. A little trendy. Dependable and well built. Light-hearted and fun. Affordable, but not cheap. Overall, a good bargain for a quality product.

I’m interested in hearing your perspective… if you’re a designer, what type of car would you describe yourself as to new clients? If you’re a potential client, what type of car are you looking to buy?

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jen Lombardi is the head honcho and creative genius at Kiwi Creative, a suburban Cleveland marketing and branding studio helping small- and medium-sized companies grow their business through innovative and effective communications. With experience in graphic design, web programming, content development, social media and online strategy, Kiwi Creative offers all the expertise of a full-service agency with an affordable price tag.
Follow us on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/kiwicreativeoh) or Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/kiwicreativeoh)

 

How many Art Directors does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Does it have to be a light bulb?

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Q. How many copywriters does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Change! I’m not changing crap! This is bullshit who said to change it?

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Q. How many account executives does it take to change a light bulb?

A. How many would you like?

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Q. How many traffic coordinators does it take to change a light bulb?

A. All I know is that it should have been changed last week, and it’s not my fault.

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Q. How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Two. One to change it and one to check the change.

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Q. How many media buyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. First I need to figure how many people the light will reach, and then I can back out a number.

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Q. How many print production managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Forget it. We don’t have the budget for a new one.

Graphic Design: You Get What You Pay For

I’ve recently developed a bit of an obsession with cleverly-designed infographics (check out this blogger’s Top 10 of 2010), so this Venn diagram definitely had me chuckling to myself this afternoon. So funny. So sad. So true.

So, how do YOU like your graphic design? (Hint: Answer verrrrrrrry carefully if you still want to be my friend after taking the poll.)

How do you like your graphic design?

View Results

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FYI: I like to give credit when it’s due for stuff I post on this blog, but this image was sent to me by a friend so I have no idea where it came from. If you know the original artist/website, let me  know and I’ll give ‘em a shout out.

This November, Vote HBO

I’m beyond sick of the over-the-top political smear campaigns going on this election season. That’s why I’ve renounced allegiance to any particular political party and will instead vote HBO.

That’s right, folks: if a nutjob from New York can run for governor under the “Rent is too Damn High” party, then I’m throwing my support behind the bad-ass political figures featured in HBO dramas. (I even created yard signs to support a couple of the candidates… think my neighbors would mind if I put ‘em on my front lawn?)

Let’s think about this objectively… with all of the corruption going on nowadays in Cuyahoga County, is Enoch “Nucky” Thompson from Boardwalk Empire really that much worse than Jimmy Dimora or Frank Russo? And, you’ve got to admit, Eric Northman—aka the vampire sheriff/bar owner/eye candy on True Blood—is a helluva lot easier on the eyes than Gerald McFaul.

All in all, it seems like a good solution to me. Except for that fact that they’re fictional characters. Damn.

A Field Guide to Typestaches

My birthday is August 28th. I want the birthday fairy to bring me this. The end.

Boneism No. 100: Hate to break it to you vegetarians, but plants are living things too.

I’m a sucker for witty one-liners hidden inside certain restaurants. You know, those funny little sayings buried on the back of the menu or, in this case, the flip side of a Smokey Bones coaster:

Boneism No. 100: Hate to break it to you vegetarians, but plants are living things too.

While I will admit that the word “boneism” creeps me out just a tad, this restaurant chain does an excellent job of extending their brand (aka their slightly offensive and provocative sense of humor) into every facet of your dining experience. I mean, seriously… their waitress wear t-shirts that say things like “Barbecutie” and “A good dry rub enhances our meat. Stop laughing.”

Clearly, I only dine at very high-class joints. (Hey, you can’t beat half price apps after 9 p.m.)

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Jen Lombardi is the head honcho and creative genius at Kiwi Creative, a suburban Cleveland marketing and branding studio helping small- and medium-sized companies grow their business through innovative and effective communications. With experience in graphic design, web programming, content development, social media and online strategy, Kiwi Creative offers all the expertise of a full-service agency with an affordable price tag.

Follow us on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/kiwicreativeoh) or Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/kiwicreativeoh)

Passive Aggressive Apostrophes

As much as I’m a font freak, I’m also a grammar geek. So, in the name of equal opportunity, here’s another great passive aggressive note explaining that, despite popular perception, not every plural word automatically gets an apostrophe.

In other news, I think I have a new favorite blog to add to my daily reading list.

Passive Aggressive Comic Sans (!!!)

Thanks to my momma-at-work, Kathie, for sending me this awesome article from The Huffington Post:

As demonstrated by Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, nobody will take you seriously if you use Comic Sans as your font of choice. It’s meant for children, people with poor judgment, and according this picture, lemonade stands. (via Passive Aggressive Notes)”

I’d also like to point out that three exclamation points in a row are never, ever necessary. Especially when used in back-to-back sentences. (!!!)

Pencil, telephone, hourglass! Diamonds, candle, candle, flag!

Plot Summary: Welcome to the Font Conference, where your favorite typefaces are personified into real-life characters. The story starts out innocently enough with our font friends voting on whether or not to grant membership to Zapf Dingbats. Their meeting is quickly interrupted, however, when the evil Ransom reveals that he has taken Courier and his daughter, Curlz MT, hostage. Check out the video above for the nail-biting conclusion to this typography drama.

Cast, in order of appearance: Times New Roman, Arial Narrow, Arial Black, French Script, Rage Italic, Baskerville Old Face, Bookman Old Style, Wide Latin, Old English, Jokerman, Futura, Ransom, Courier, Curlz MT, Courier New, Century Gothic, Wingdings, Comic Sans and Broadway.

Movie Review: In my humble opinion, most of the representations are spot on. Except, at least in my world, Comic Sans would never be the hero who saves the day. But the video’s really funny otherwise, so I’ll let it slide. This time. Favorite movie quote? Wingdings: “Pencil, telephone, hourglass! Diamonds, candle, candle, flag! Mouse, scissors, bomb, mailbox! Mailbox! MAILBOX!”